The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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