how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
