So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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