Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
