I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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