Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
