Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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