Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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