oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
