Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize