if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
