I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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