hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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