it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
