i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
