whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
