She is in my trunk
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
