We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
