Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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