I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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