I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
