Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize