He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize