i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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