She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
