We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
