So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
