It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
