I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
