Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
