Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize