evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
