So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
