did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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