drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
