the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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