I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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