Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I sprained my soul last night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
