I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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