I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize