Kiss
Puke
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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