i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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