I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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