if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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