She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
