I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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