how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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