There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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