I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
