Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
