Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
