i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
