The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
