At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i've created a new STD.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
