my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
