my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
